Lets Inspire

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Do you care about what other people think of you? Are you concerned that some people don’t like you? Do you hang on to what other people say, hoping that they might say something good about you and dreading if they say something bad about you? Thinking in this mindset is holding you back in more ways than you can imagine.

This self concious thinking is a fairly common problem with just about everyone. In a social society, other people’s thoughts are important. Thinking about what other people think of you has many benefits: you won’t tread on anyone’s toes or get on their bad sides, you can tell whether they like you or don’t like you and calibrate accordingly, and you can tell when you are welcome or not welcome in a group. However, this can be something that really harms your game if other people’s opinions of you becomes a major factor in how you behave.

Our ability to imagine what other people’s mind states or thoughts are is a natural ability which psychologists have termed, ‘Theory of Mind’. ToM is a basic ability in us to anticipate what other people’s thoughts are, as other people obviously think differently to us. Without knowing or having an idea of what other people are thinking about, social interactions can turn awkward - for example, if you weren’t part of a social group who’s norms frowned upon discussion of deodorant, and you discussed deodorant, then this may cause tension in the group.

ToM develops very early in life. The ability starts appearing around the age of 3. A simple task to test the ToM is to show a toddler a series of events or a scenario: In the scenario, person A has a box of lollies. He replaces the lollies with pencils (the toddler sees all of this). Then person A leaves the box in the room and person B enters. The toddler is asked what person B thinks is inside the box. Without ToM, the toddler would assume that person B thought exactly the same thing as them: that the box contained pencils, even though person B would not have known that person A replaced the lollies with pencils. After the development of ToM, the toddler is able to ‘figure out’ that person B doesn’t know about the shifty switch and thus answers the question correctly.

The condition in which ToM is impaired in a person is called Autism, or the ‘high functioning’ version of it, Asperger’s syndrome. ToM never develops in these people (though they may learn logical routes/heuristics to figure out basic rules). Social interaction is incredibly difficult for these people and you should be glad that you were born with a working ToM.

Many people let their capacity to estimate what other people think of them overpower their thoughts. They are constantly wondering if the other people like them, whether what they say is going to have an effect on what the person thinks of them, or whether they should take a risk and make a move, or just hope that everything goes well. In fact, they’re thinking about what others think of them so much that their mental capacities for language are used up and they have nothing to say.

They start really analysing the situation, using their incredible capacity of ToM to bring up a million different ways in which people might react negatively to their approach or their words. The focus of their thoughts is in finding ways in which they might be rejected and as a result, they are less inclined to approach or push the line.

This is also related to the amount of emotional investment in which they put into what other people think of them. Obviously, the more emotional investment there is into what other people think of you, the more it matters. This is the first thing that needs to be changed. Why put so much emotional investment in what other people think? Especially if it’s just someone you just met.

Emotional investment into the outcome of the interaction is also something that will determine whether you watch your words or not. When you’re invested into whether you get the girl’s number/kiss her/take her home, you’re guarding your words so that nothing wrong comes out. In the process of this, you’re restricting yourself: being free and putting your personality on the line is incredibly attractive to a girl and you’re stopping yourself from really expressing yourself.

When you remove emotional investment from the interaction, you can start to use your ToM effectively. You can calibrate to the situation and determine what the best possible routes and tactics to take are. Your intuitive abilities to tell you when to take the interaction to the next level will be honed into great weapons of escalation. Taking the emotional investment from the interaction also has another benefit of shifting the focus of the interaction into a ‘building your skills’ mindset. Instead of focusing on rejection (I’m doing my best so that this girl will like me), you’re focused on your skills (I’ll test this out, if it doesn’t work then I’ll fix it).

Use your ToM so that it is beneficial to your game. Remove your emotional investments from the interaction: you’re working on your skill set and you’re going to make mistakes. Your ability to use ToM is a tool that can help you succeed, and it shouldn’t be a handicap that takes over your mind

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